꿈, 고통, 불안을
그려낼 수 있다면
The Life That holds Dreams, Pains, and Anxiety
김창열, 〈물방울 ABS N°2〉, 1973, 캔버스에 유화 물감, 195×130cm, 샘터화랑 소장
Kim Tschang-yeol, Waterdrops ABS N°2, 1973, oil on canvas, 195×130cm, Wellside Gallery Collection
꿈, 고통, 불안을 그려낼 수 있다면
물방울 작가로 알려진 김창열(1929-2021)의 회고전이 국립현대미술관 서울에서 열렸다. 다양하게 변주된 물방울은 세월을 머금고 있었고, 전시장에 들어온 순간 작가의 우주에 초대된 듯 한 인상을 받았다.
평안남도 출생인 김창열은 서울대학교 미술대학에 입학했으나 한국 전쟁으로 학업이 중단되면서 경찰전문학교에 1960년까지 근무하며 창작활동을 병행했다. 1965년 무렵에는 김환기의 권유로 뉴욕으로 향해 아트 스튜던트 리그 뉴욕에서 판화를 공부하며 모더니즘 미술 사조를 접했다. 이후 1970년, 일찍이 미술과 프랑스어를 수학했던 김창열은 파리에 아틀리에를 마련하고, ‘파리의 예술가’로 살아간다. 우연히 캔버스에 튄 물방울의 영롱함을 발견한 그는 이를 회화로 발전 시켜 《살롱 드 메》(파리, 1972)에 출품하여 주목을 받았고, 그 후 회화 뿐 아니라 신문지, 조부로부터 배운 서예와 천자문을 배경으로 다채롭게 물방울을 그렸다.
- 《김창열》(국립현대미술관 서울, 2025)
궁금했었다. 대단한 예술가들은 어떻게 불안을 다루는지.
예민하다, 혹은 섬세하다는 주변의 평가를 많이 듣던 나는 일상 속에서 꽤 자주 불안을 느꼈다. 어릴 땐 또래 집단 안에서, 그리고 가족 관계 속에서, 해야만 하는 것과 하고 싶은 것 사이에서, 외모, 미래, 나를 둘러싼 많은 것들에서 내가 불안해야 할 이유를 찾는 것은 너무나도 쉬운 일이었다.
불안은 곧 강박의 모습으로 변주되곤 했다. 이 강박은 나를 좀 더 나은 방향으로 추동하는 힘이기도 했지만, 그 방향은 어느새 완벽을 향하고 있었다. 세상에 완벽한 것은 없다고, 삶은 통제 가능한 것이 아님을 알고는 있었지만 쉽사리 인정하지 못했다. 일도, 사랑도, 학업도, 외모도, 인간관계도 노력한다면 완벽해질 수 있을 것이라는 오만한 생각을 했다.
그러다 어느 순간 길을 잃었다. 텅 비어있었다.
해야할 것으로 빼곡했던 스케쥴러는 사라졌다. 완전한 노력이란 없고, 아무렴 노력을 했을 지라도, 삶은 내 뜻대로 되는 것이 아님을 작고 큰 도전과 실패를 통해 자연스럽게 알게 됐다. 완벽함은 환영 같은 것이라고 스스로 인정하고, 설득된 순간, 불안은 삭제되어야 할 감정이 아닌 삶과 공존하는 것이 됐다. 그냥, 이렇게 (어쩌면 되는대로) 사는 거라고.
1970년대부터 물방울을 그린 김창열은 자신의 작품을 “집착에 가까운 정신적 강박”이라 표현했다. 상흔, 꿈, 불안을 그리고자 한 그의 작품은, 결국 이 모든 것은 사라지는 것이 아닌 삶을 이루고 있는 것이라고 말하는 듯 했다.
T
he Life That Holds Dreams, Pain, and Anxiety
The retrospective of Kim Tschang-yeul (1929-2021) was held at MMCA Seoul. He is mostly known as the “water drops painter.” His water drops changed in many different ways over the years, and they somehow felt like they were holding time inside them. While walking through the exhibition, I felt as if I was stepping into the universe he had built throughout his life.
Kim was born in Pyeongannam-do. He entered Seoul National University to study art, but his studies were put on hold because of the Korean War. After that, he worked at the Police College until 1960, while also continuing his own artistic practice. Around 1965, Kim Whanki encouraged him to go to New York, so he moved there and studied printmaking and modernist art history at the Art Students League of New York. Later, in 1970, because he had already learned art and french, he decided to go to Paris. He set up his own atelier and lived there as an artist. One day, he noticed the beauty of water drops that had splashed onto a canvas by accident. He developed this into a painting, and when he showed his work at the Salon de Mai in 1972, it drew a lot of attention. After that, he expanded his water drops motif not only on canvas, but also on newspaper and even Cheonjamun, the classical chinese character he learned from his grand father.
“I painted the Waterdrops for a long time as a mental illness of obsession. Annihilation of all my dreams, and pains, and anxieties. Hoping somehow watchable.”
- Kim Tschang-yeul (MMCA Seoul, 2025)
I always wondered how great artist dealt with their anxiety.
People around me often said I was sensitive or delicate, and I did feel anxious quite often in my daily life. In my teens, I felt it in my peer group, and later in my family relationships. I struggled with it between what I had to do and what I wanted to do, in my appearance, in my future - so many things around me. Finding a reason to feel anxious was always too easy. Sometimes my anxiety turned into obsession. That obsession pushed me to become ‘better,’ but the direction it pointed to was perfection. I knew that nothing in the world is perfect and that life isn’t something I can completely control, but I still couldn’t really accept that. I used to believe that career, love, study, appearance, and even relationships could all be perfect if I just tried hard enough. It was such an arrogant thought.
I lost my own way at some point.
It felt empty. The scheduler that used to be full of things I had to do was suddenly gone. I’d vaguely known that nothing goes exactly as planned, no matter how hard I try, but I only truly realized it when I went through challenges and failures myself. The moment I admitted that perfection is something like a phantom, I also realized that anxiety isn’t something to erase - it’s something that simply lives with us. It was like, “that is just life.”
Kim Tschang-yeul, who painted water drops from the 1970s, once described his practice as “almost an obsession.” Looking at his work, I felt that dreams, pains, and anxieties are not things that disappear, but thing that quietly make up our lives.